in the eyes of the beholder

I've decided to leave this blog unwritten.
I'm going to write one in my own language from one of the blog-sites available in Norway.
Keeping this one thou. In case I get the urge to write in english again.

it's saturday morning. I just woke up after a rather harrowing night dreaming my nephew disappeared/was kidnapped. and we couldn't find him. the sadness and panic still prevails. I'm almost tempted to text my sister and ask her if the kids are fine.....
I'm watching early morning cartoons. and checking up on the world by reading the papers online. one week 'till x-mas. and I'm so broke my bank-account hurts. I'm eligeble for government help. Norway has a good system for helping when you need it. but I'm too proud. and there are always somebody worse off in my eyes. I don't have kids, and therefore nobody else but myself to take care of. so I just feel sorry for myself and pinch pennies.
some years ago I started designing and making jewelry. and I've discovered this again. it's fun, and I'm good at it. so most of the xmas-gifts this year will be homemade.
I'm spending christmas with my sisters family and mum. the house is huge and she decorates it with more than 2000 santas in every size and material available. me on the other hand am allergic to evergreen trees, and the only decorations in my apartment are lights in the windows. not blinky lights. just white and non-moving. I think it's pretty, and at night the lights make it warm and cozy.

I've had panic-attacks and anxiety since I was a small kid.
I remember being four or five and completely paralyzed by fear.
I got so used to it, I didn't realize that life shouldn't be this scary. at 25 or so I started to figure out that fear, panic and anxiety are not part of everybody elses life. and today I sort of manage it. I control it. I don't let the fear control me. sort of.
but some days are worse than others.
like today. and this weekend. my breathing is shallow, the heart races, nausea overcomes me, I'm always cold, jittery, dizzy and any noise scares the heart into triple beats. and more. woke up at seven this morning because I was sure I heard somebody knocking at my front door. but as usual: nobody there. just my heart beating like churchbells.

I know that this will pass. it usually does. but I never know how many hours, or days, or worse: weeks I'll be more or less confined to my home because I'm not able to face the world. so I guess I do let it control me.

it's like the closet in Narnia. the doors vanish and I get lost in my own world. I stay indoors, and try to not focus on the physical aspects of the fear. I try to breathe correctly. I read, write, listen to music, try to concentrate on a dvd, do housework. the apartment is neat and clean. the dishes are done and the laundry fluffed and folded.

this is my routine.
I get these attacks. and I deal with'em. and then have days and weeks w/o panic, but I always know the fear is lurking.
and I'm so tired of it.

but until I uncover the real reason behind this, I guess I just have to be strong and not give in to the fear.
and just ride the wave to the end. it always stops. sort of comforting....

today will be a long day.

how personal should one be in a place like this?
I'm quite safe; I only have a couple of readers.... ("yet" she whispers and smiles).

so.
cinnamon gum. I always remember taste. raspberries straight from the garden. ice-cold coca-cola from a glass bottle. lemon pie. the first time I ate sushi. and cinnamon gum. I'm not too sure about the name, but I think it was Big Red? I brought some home from the US 20 yrs ago, and the taste stayed with me. but I never found this type of gum here. I'm really not a gum-chewer anyway, so the loss wasn't that big. but then, last month I stood in line to pay for groceries and there it was: cinnamon gum. not Big Red, but it was cinnamon. so I bought some. and popped a few pieces in my mouth on the way home and BOOM! it brought tears to my eyes. probably because of the strength of the cinnamon, but also because I suddenly was back in the kitchen in the house in 4709 Wegner Way Oklahoma City OK, sneaking gum from the cupboard. I could hear the washeranddryer in the next room, smell the dog (old one, VERY smelly), and hear the huge clock in the sitting room.
I gave some Big Red to my mum back then, and she has never forgotten the assault on the mouth that cinnamon gum is. so last week, when we went shopping, I bought gum for my mother. probably for the first time ever. and I was sort of happy. because I have almost no memory from the first twenty years of my life, and I always look for clues and ribbons to the past wherever I go. try to draw memories to the front of the brain. good memories. not just the bad stuff: the anxiety-attacks I had as toddler, my utter failure to comprehend the world as it was at any given time, the depressions, and more stuff like that.
so when I find a taste, or sound, or color that give me good flashbacks, I always feel like I've struck gold.
and cinnamon gum is a gold-mine for me memory-wise.

I've not given up on this.
but I need more time to de-rust my english.......

more to follow.

I just wrote on podcasting using LochJournal. and added links. but it didn't show up when i added the entry.
I guess I need a couple of more hours of looking for and learning to do Blogging. oh well, as if I have anythinh better to do on a cold autumn-saturday.

I gave myself an IPod 20gb for Xmas last year. or to be totally honest - I got it one month before.
and because I now had music available at all times, everywhere I went, I sort of discovered music. until this music were just noise or sound. I'd listen to my cd's of course, but very seldom. but buying the little white wonder.... :)
I also used bits and pieces of old hi-fi-equippment and "built" a stereo to use the White Wonder w/o the earplugs.

and then came podcasting.
my first venture into listening to this new world was "The Dawn and Drew Show"
and I really didn't get it...... this was before Itunes made it possible to subscribe to podcasts. so I gave it up. for a while.
then came "The Signal"
I'm a huge Joss Whedon-fan. I own on dvd complete series of Buffy, Angel and the one lonely season of Firefly. and know them more or less by heart. love the vampires, but Firefly was something else. and when I heard about the plans to make "Serenity" I yelped of happiness. and "The Signal" is a podcast dedicated to Firefly and Serenity. so I had to listen to it.
and after the sucess of my first subscription, came several more podcast to subscribe to.
there are good podcast. and then there are the ones that really shouldn't be allowed to be heard. very bad. so bad your ears bleed. poor sods.
so: today I have 15 or 16 different podcasts I subscribe to. everything from LonelyPlanet TravelCast to the movie-dissection of Ebert & Roeper
but my favouite has become anything NPR
I'm not too sure what NPR is, I live in Norway, but I think it is a radiostation (?). so I get my podcast-fix on books, news, movies and cooking. either I just listen to them while online, or I take them with me out walking.

yesterday I cried. dealing with the everyday stuff of life and the consequences of previous mistakes on my own part. I'm trying to make things better by addressing personal finance-questions. but yesterday I found it too hard. I'm happy I don't have anybody dependent on me. no kids that needs me. but at times I feel too alone. I just wish somebody could snap their fingers and "voila" make it sorted and ok again. but no. I'm alone in this. and also hesitant to tell anybody about it. so I stumble along, trying to fix it. and doing it step by step. the way it should be done. and try not to be overwhelmed by the size of the financial and emotional stuff I have whispering in my ear: you suck at this..... so I cried. my heart was hollow, my brain wouldn't work and the whole mess got to me. I cried for an hour or so. tears and snot running down my face. feeling sorry for self also applicable. and when the river dried up, it felt better. I was calmer, but tired and beat. I left the paperwork where it was, on the kitchentable, and went for a long walk in the almost-dark evening. brought the camera along. and stuffed my ears with music. and walked along the river, over the two bridges, thru the almost-christmas-busy streets, and then across another bridge. stopped for milk, cheese and chocolate-pudding and then home. the contents of the kitchen-table were still there, screaming to me: YOU SUCK!. ignoring it I made dinner, ate, and put the papers away. fell asleep on the couch watching a random episode of "Angel" on dvd. today I'm at my sisters house. we're having a present-making-day with her two kids. and I'm about to iron and fold two weeks worth of laundry. I like ironing. it calms me. and the kids are just being kids. as I write this the youngest,the threeyearold, is sitting on the desk beside me. playing with the holepunch. I'm not sure what he's punching holes in. I just hope it isn't something of value.....

 

the night before last I dreamed I had a third eye. not between the two I already have, but neatly placed on my right cheekbone. blue as its siblings, open and observant. very much a strange and sort of disturbing dream you might say.
so I googled "dreams" and "eyes" and found that a third eye denotes the need to search inside and look into the self. which is what I do right now anyway, being between jobs and sort of struggling with the whole concept of life and everything around living and existing. serious crisis-mood for some time.
my dreams are strong, with lots of detail,smell, color, sound. so strong that I found a dreamcatcher to collect some of them. I very often wake up laughing because of very detailed and strange dreaming. but nightmares are also part of the sleeping-experience. so my dreamcatcher keeps me leveled. more or less.

I'm sort of playing around.
teaching myself how-to blog and add pictures and such. kinda satisfying... but I'm still not able to upload userpic.

so I finally did it. created a blog. I've been thinking about it for some time, but never got around to getting off my ass and just do it. so today was the day. yay me. I have some ideas about what I'll be writing about, but anything could happen. and the name "eyes of the beholder" sort of says it: my words. my thoughts. no limits. at times the language will be norwegian. at times english.